OK, a few posts ago, I had some thinking to do on this, from Mich's blog:

On this Full Moon it is important to recognize the fundamental relationship between gratefulness and non-attachment. Use this Full Moon to look at what you cling to and your fear of letting it go. Do you spend most of your time grabbing and craving for more things; trying to fill your inner emptiness with a multitude of possessions? We come here with nothing and leave with nothing. Why then do we hold so tight to things that will not last? This is a great time to ask, "What can I freely give away? What can I share?"

I do. I spend. Why do I feel the need to get things that are not needed but I love. Why do I feel the need, for example, to buy every back issue of some magazine I like?If a book interests me in the slightest, I buy it. I probably have enough books to read for the next 5 years without having to buy another one. Why do I crave more things?!?!?!? THIS HAS TO STOP. Fo awhile we will be living on my paycheck only. No big deal except that I am trying to pay off a debt. Why do I feel like my life would be better if I was richer? Especially, when I really want to get everything paid off and be more self sufficient. Live off the land.

I have been like this since high school. I did finally move away from the "catching up with the Jones'" Thanks to the prior relationship, who had to have the best of everything at my expense,,, literally $$$, and that is my fault. I worked two jobs to make sure I could pay all the bills so we could have and have and have, the lifestyle he liked. I paid all the household bills while he spent him money on a BRAND new Harley, a BRAND new boat, a second home, BRAND new cars.

I am seeking guidance by posting this and venting. Thanks for listening.