OK, a few posts ago, I had some thinking to do on this, from Mich's blog:

On this Full Moon it is important to recognize the fundamental relationship between gratefulness and non-attachment. Use this Full Moon to look at what you cling to and your fear of letting it go. Do you spend most of your time grabbing and craving for more things; trying to fill your inner emptiness with a multitude of possessions? We come here with nothing and leave with nothing. Why then do we hold so tight to things that will not last? This is a great time to ask, "What can I freely give away? What can I share?"

I do. I spend. Why do I feel the need to get things that are not needed but I love. Why do I feel the need, for example, to buy every back issue of some magazine I like?If a book interests me in the slightest, I buy it. I probably have enough books to read for the next 5 years without having to buy another one. Why do I crave more things?!?!?!? THIS HAS TO STOP. Fo awhile we will be living on my paycheck only. No big deal except that I am trying to pay off a debt. Why do I feel like my life would be better if I was richer? Especially, when I really want to get everything paid off and be more self sufficient. Live off the land.

I have been like this since high school. I did finally move away from the "catching up with the Jones'" Thanks to the prior relationship, who had to have the best of everything at my expense,,, literally $$$, and that is my fault. I worked two jobs to make sure I could pay all the bills so we could have and have and have, the lifestyle he liked. I paid all the household bills while he spent him money on a BRAND new Harley, a BRAND new boat, a second home, BRAND new cars.

I am seeking guidance by posting this and venting. Thanks for listening.

Where have I been

Here but in a glitch. I don't know what is wrong with me. I see to start things and not finish them. Example, Gayla Maxwell's course. I am sooo far behind. I am currently on Day 3 and I am stuck. Craft projects ready to go, not started. I feel stuck for lack of a better word.

I just posted to Rainbow Dreams. It was a good one for me today. Maybe that will help. Thank you Mich for posting to my blog and giving me the nudge I needed. I have been reading, reading, reading blogs but not posting on my own.

And I worry. About everything. Money mostly. I am so tired of being in debt. I feel like all I ever do is pay. I need to get over this instant gratification thing. I have enough books and crafts to keep me going for awhile but I want more. I can't figure out why.

And I am sure part of of my *stuckness* is our up and coming move to Austin Texas. We are very excited about it. But again I worry. I am already a state away from a majority of my family. But I have a cousin in Austin (same birthday too!) and my mom and stepdad winter in Texas.

But I can't move forward yet. I need to wait for the final approval and then the relocation company to call. Then I need to find us a place to live. Most rentals will not talk about places until a month before hand. Our move date is October 1st. Rent or buy? How do I buy long distance? Will both of us need to be there for the closing? I am reimbursed for the trip down but hubby is a temp employee. So that would be a week of no pay.

So I think we should rent for a year, get settled and find an area we love. Save then buy.

I should get out my:
Chakra Balancing Kit: A Guide to Healing and Awakening Your Energy Body by Anodea Judith
maybe this will help. I started it and go figure, stopped. Mich has the same book.

UGH! I come home and sit and stare at the TV. Motionless. And sleep.